I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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