How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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