I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
