a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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