Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
this is an emotional support booty call
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
