i already hear my dad disowning me
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
We named our party play list daddy issues
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
