So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
