I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
