After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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