someone threw a dead crab at me
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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