Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
