Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i came on her dog
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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