Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
