Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
