you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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