My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
