it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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