Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
