Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
