Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
