i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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