Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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