I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
