I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
