He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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