How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
