Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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