I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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