And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
