Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
