I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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