i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
