I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
