My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
