I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
