can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
