I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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