I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Never underestimate the power of titties
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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