I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Text me some of your sweat
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
