this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
