The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
