My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
