yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm getting married
To pizza
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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