Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
