Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We talked him into tasing himself.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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