I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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