I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
