Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
