The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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