Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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