I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
