Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
