Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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