Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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