Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
