I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
