I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
